The 4 Fs of Friendship

In case you haven't already picked up from my blog so far, I am an idolater. I worship things other than the creator God of the universe. If you are a Christian, you knew that already. The most stubborn idolatry in my heart, the thing I find myself looking to again and again to tell me who I am, what I'm worth and to give me what I need is friendship. 

I was reminded of this yesterday when a very good friend gently reminded me for about the millionth time that basing my identity and security on what she thought of me and how she responded was not very wise. This is not a new concept for me. The emotional energy I expend on anger and hurt when someone I care about responds or fails to respond in a way that I can interpret as uncaring could power a small city.

And as it is an idolatry it can never be satisfied. As another good friend points out occasionally, rather hurt, it doesn't seem to count that she loves me and is there for me when I am focused on the one person in my life who I feel isn't. I have actually been blessed with incredible friends, who love me patiently and persistently and support me brilliantly and with whom I have great fun. However, often any one person with whom I am having a difficult time, dominates my emotional agenda and dictates how I feel about myself to the exclusion of the dozen other healthy, happy, close friendships in my life. This is utterly illogical until seen through the eyes of idolatry, if my friendships tell me my identity and worth they all have to be perfect, all the time, or I am a worthless nothing. This puts a pretty awful strain on the relationships themselves as the nagging insecurity can spill over into demanding and affirmation-seeking behaviour. This makes it harder to be my friend, leading often to less positive relating and intensifying insecurity. 

The only way to escape this vicious circle is for the gospel to break in. I have to be able to take a step back and see my relationships in their proper places, below and in the shadow of my primary relationship - with Christ. Failure to invest in this relationship for me inevitably leads to a distortion of my friendships as I begin to put them into the place that belongs to Jesus. This has created a train of thought in my head that have led to the 4 Fs of friendship - which is actually 4 reasons that friends can't meet your deepest needs and are a useless place to put your self worth and identity and why Christ is better. I plan on meditating on these to try and train myself to turn to him when the warning signs start showing that my friendships are getting out of perspective. 

1) Friends are Fickle

People have emotions that change. They change depending on the weather, how tired they are, how busy they are, what stresses they have going on. It's part of being human, we have emotional weather, I ought to know, mine goes from sunshine to hurricane several times a day sometimes. However much friends care about you they cannot be completely consistent in the way they relate to you and feel about your friendship. 

The same cannot be said of God. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. One of my favourite verses in the whole Bible is found in Malachi 4:6, "I the Lord do not change, so you, O children of Jacob are not destroyed." God loves us and cannot ever stop loving us because he does not change. Once God's favour and love is settled on you, however blameworthy your behaviour may be, he will not turn his back on you, or his promises to you. This is unpacked for us even more as we understand the cross. "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32). God's unchanging love towards us is sealed by the blood of his Son who he gave up for us in our need. Having paid such a cost, can he then turn away from those he has purchased so dearly? The consistency of the love of God is told to us over and over again in his word. Friendships may change, day to day, moment by moment sometimes, but, "I have loved you with an everlasting love," says the Lord. He is the one on whom you can rely.

2) Friends are Fallible

However well you get to know your closest friends, however well they listen, however much life you share they will never get it right 100% of the time. They cannot see your heart, they are bound by limitations of language and time, however thoughtful and well-intentioned and caring they are they will inevitably get it wrong sometimes. They will misjudge how you are feeling, they will misunderstand you, they will say the wrong thing. What seems obviously the right response to a situation to you, is far from obvious to them because they simply don't have the full picture. 

But what is true about friends is far from true about God. To him we are "fully known," (1 Corinth 13). Psalm 139 is an exploration of the extent to which we are known by God. It is a great piece of scripture on which to meditate when you are feeling misunderstood.

"O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

                 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

you discern my thoughts from afar.

                You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

                Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether."

The Lord Jesus who "saw what was in their hearts," and still sees what is in your heart will never make a mistake. He will never misunderstand or misjudge you, never crush you when you are a bruised reed or placate you when you are rebelliously proud. He is the one in whom you can have confidence.

3) Friends are Fallen

However lovely your friends are, however kind and generous and fun and patient, they are fallen. They have sin in their lives and sometimes that sin will spill out in ways that hurt you. They will be selfish at times, proud at times, unfairly angry or impatient or ungentle at times. They will choose their own comfort and happiness over yours, they will speak unguarded words, they will break promises. They are sinners just like you. It isn't OK, it isn't right, but it is reality. You can't have perfect relationships because there are no perfect people. Starting with you. You don't have to condone or excuse the sin of others (or yourself) but you can expect it, accept it and forgive it. 

And the reason you can is because it is not so with God. In him was and is found no sin. The Lord says, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.” God is love (1 John 4:6), God is light (1 John 1:5). Jesus' closest friends could say of him that he was a man in whom there was no sin. He will never speak destructive words to you in selfishness or anger, he will never break his promises to you, he will never cease to act in your best interest and out of love for you. He will never exclude you or mock you or reject you when you are difficult. You cannot wear out his patience or forgiveness, you cannot exhaust his kindness and compassion. He is the one in whom you can place complete trust.

4) Friends are Finite

Ultimately friends are finite. They need to eat. They need to sleep. They can only listen to one person at a time. They need to go on holiday, they have responsibilities and commitments. They cannot always be there to respond to you when you want them to or in the way you want them to. Friends get tired and busy. However much they want to, they can't always be there to pick you up when you fall down. Nobody has the capacity to meet all your needs all the time. No group of people even. God doesn't allow it apart from anything else because our faithless hearts would quickly elevate them to his place in our lives. 

For him though this is not a problem. He is the Lord who never slumbers or sleeps (Psalm 121), his eye is always on you ready to bless, he is the Father who tirelessly waits and watches for you to return to him, the Shepherd who goes out searching for each lost sheep. He is the all-powerful one to whom the nations are dust on the scales and the universe is a hands-breadth, who stills storms and walks on water and raises the dead and stops the sun in the sky or blots it out completely. He is the one who says, "Surely I am with you always," (Matt 28). There is no need you have that he cannot meet, no moment that you are not under his tender, loving eyes, no second in which you are not receiving his care and compassion. He is the one on whom you can depend. 

The Lord, Our Lord is perfect in faithfulness, perfect in understanding, perfect in holiness and perfectly able to meet our every need. The absolute truth, the ultimate truth is he is the friend we need. The only one who will never let us down, who's friendship is entirely unconditional and inexhaustible. I love my friends, but if I try to make them tell me who I am and what I am worth our friendship will become a tiresome burden to both of us. There is only one friend who can do that and his name is Jesus.